Why??????? I had sought out counseling at one time looking for answers. By far the most important thing I did was: 1. Wwwwhhhaatt I only made dinner, I never told him what to eat. Kumbaya indeed. The legal and financial side of this is heavy!! There is truly a level of viciousness, deceit, and cruelty involved that goes beyond the common affair. I guess Im lucky. And right then I swear this happened! And thats what worked. So is running and kick boxing!! Yes to settling the score with the past. Both of these determine the way we see others."It's the final installment of our PURSUE series! Drinking, sports, total disinterest in you investment of your business?? Now its not even about the A nor his bad treatment of me during it, its all about my shortcomings. It feels like my body is outside of itself, if that makes sense. If you are SO UNHAPPY (for years) why is this the first I am hearing about it? Id actually be sweating too. Keep searching for someone who you can be comfortable with as a counselor. When the treat is not offered the dog gets agitated. There is no substance to it in sheer physical reality, although its more dangerous in some ways as what they are doing is feeding and building the tension and the desire for tension release. All seasons in a ten minute span. So you cant take a trip every week, or maybe you can, now you need to find other stuff you love doing. I wasnt any of those things. LOL close enough!!! Actually I took the meme from another blogger I follow. She is counting on you doing nothing so she feels entitled to continue to carry on the A. It is so important to keep a clear head during these times. I doubt it. They were astounded my h had the one he had but he was an old family friend. Get him to sign away the business to you. If I brought up issues in the evening Now I wont be able to sleep Cry me a river, right. I offered MC, gave a few examples of how good it could be to have a neutral person help us navigate some of these tricky areas. 1. He said he was so confused but knew he had made the biggest mistake of his life. My mother passed away very suddenly about five months after d-day. So I was in a weakened moment and decided he had one month (my own internal timeline) to turn this around. Trying Hard. I lost weight I could not afford to lose. They count on us (the BS) to continue to go along and be nice in hopes of repairing the M. And when they dont get what they want the CS acts like a spoiled brat. I just knew they were in there. How on earth would you know someone would do this? But it is he that has to find it. You are spot on about the misinformation. That he clearly thinks its only about what he needs however he must acknowledge that my needs are being completely ignored. The bottom line is that I cant do this anymore Im going insane. He must police himself. You write: And if he does choose R will he have the commitment to weather the storm and really stay committed to it? Find mini vacays at home that is totally self indulgent. Its all a smokescreen to hide their betrayal. When I arrived home and demanded the whereabouts of HER phone, she said it was in her purse, whilst she played with Facebook. I truly think your h is scared and easily influenced by others. April 27 250 people took part in the search for Wilbanks. Im booking to see my doctor for PTSD / anxiety. He did. And STAT, OW really is The Worst. Now had my h tried to enter into some new business venture during that shit storm Id have said nothing. Theyre talking alright they are gossiping at your expense. It breaks me he is not the person he used to be, or is, either way I am afraid that the cumulative damage to me and the M is now beyond repair. They are the smart ones. But even if it doesnt change anything, at least I can now stop blaming myself, as before I knew the truth of the situation, I was fully taking it on as being all my fault. I wasnt working there at the time and I stupidly didnt have a key. Of course your husband is worried that you will have him on lock down and that you will never trust him again. A couple of people have said she is trying to set me up to leave so she does not have to feel guilty doing it herself. Thats what punches me in the stomach still. Wise words. The apple doesnt fall far from the tree. WTH is wrong with ME????? I can only imagine their discomfort holy fuck Im stuck on a 3 hour flight with a woman crying next to me! Ok so underlying the three words secretive, dismissive, smug is this really really painful one: contempt. And, Satori, theyll drag up crap that was insignificant from years ago and try to use it as another rationalization that they arent happy or you did something to hurt them. I felt it was inappropriate and said so. Computers, pictures, printers, desks. Thanks TFW! I believe its a timing thing and I have no idea what her motivation is. H wont be honest, because that would be having to break away from the FOO and do things differently. Satori What I dont get is that your H admits A is going on but yet still tries to circumvent the fact he is MARRIED!!!!! It is what bonds them together right now babe us vs wife bonding syndrome as I call it. Its a bitter pill to swallow when you come to terms that we hooked our wagons up with a narcissist or sociopath. Kubler-Ross lines out the 5 stages of grief pretty succinctly. So I can just imagine how difficult things are becoming for you. They try but they cant. And then I stormed off. Yeah a few games came into play. Most of all, the monster swore on the Bible that there was NOT another woman and yelled that he was not that kind of man. Right now your H is in denial. Our . But that wasnt my concern. The betrayed spouse has no opportunity to go through marriage counseling to repair the marriage. OMG. Thanks theFirstWife & ShiftingImpressions. Our needs are primary. Having burned up my keypad and at the risk of overstaying my welcome here, Im going to give you all a rest now. Lol. Theres no going back to the way things were. When my h got the notice from my lawyer how Id set the process in motion he had moved to his sisters place six doors down from me if you remember reading in my last post. He leased an apartment and left you? I need it all! I was absolutely off my head angry. Give your new therapist some time. Tell him YOUR bottom line.and back away. That dynamic of going to bed with the ocean in between is so apt. Lots of game playing going on, so yeah I am annoyed. Shock takes a while to be absorbed in my experience and in some ways Im still processing the shock of how radically my life has changed in every single way possible, with more changes to come. At the worst end of it, self harm. Do you censor your vocabulary in front of your grandchildren? MLCs shouldnt be treated any differently than any other garden variety affair. Such a relief not to be in the struggle zone. Im just holding on to the beautiful experiences I HAD in the M even though H wants to rewrite the marital history as if that was all my illusion and really it was flat out misery. But I told him I now did not want to R and have accepted we will not make it, but that now we still need to get some framework around the deconstruction of the situation. I guess it was to be expected. All of it. Satoriwho knows what lies your husband spun to his parents. Totally understandable. Rinse. I was furious with him. I worked out the reason H pretended to move to distant area was that its a way of having the pity party and woe is me, Im being more impacted than you are in all this. Im like: the whole point of being married is so you DONT HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE!!!. That's because she is offering a salary to the ideal temporary spouse. Now I understand there are psychological issues associated with Hoarders. I agree TH re the womans perspective in a A. So you think this has something to do with communication styles? You have people (even is at EAJ) who are surrounding you and helping however possible. We go to MC whom we just saw 3 days ago where my H says he loves me. I almost feel like I had to shelve the whole A trauma as the business side became so critical. Just sayin. Unfortunately that gave him just enough time to destroy the emails before I had a better chance to look at them better.that just made me so mad!!! It makes no sense and is so dishonest as to the reality. Well, she is about to find out that all those assets she is coveting from afar? Already had an experience of the bizarrely termed hysterical bonding. No warning bells going off. But not your Wife (for whatever reason). Just lucky H has never been cheated on. All my wellbeing in peril but he still thinks its about him and his image, his happiness, his money (LOL). Underpinning it is a worrying trend to blame, excuse, deny. If a traditional affair rips the proverbial carpet out from under a betrayed spouse, marital abandonment rips out the entire house and the foundation itself from a betrayed spouse. Thanks for your good wishes. They didnt andxare reconciling. Love that line about him being a timid forest creature. Ive been praying a lot, but I have not yet prayed for H. My prayers are for me and my recovery as Im still early days and I also pray for those who have supported me both in real world and here at EAJ to still be here, fighting the good fight. Because they gave themselves permission. And I find that beyond upsetting as I would have moved heaven and earth to help him get through whatever it was. He said NO. He also had periods where he was the person I knew and loved. One day at a time. Im glad to see your dad has improved snd hope he will have a full recovery. Maslows Hierarchy of Needs. Hes studying for his masters exams in November. He deleted again (in front of me). They say people become like the 5 people closest to them. And yes I cried every day for years over this whole thing. And I am still like that. We were respectful to each other and supportive. Id keep the conversations light and about business. But that is his problem because trust has to be earned. As I read your story it makes me shudder how ugly my own situation could have become if my husband had chosen the path of continuing contact with the OW. You have enough on your plate without wasting your precious energy on them at the moment. I posted below, and will post again on my return. Up until that time my h was riding the frightened ambivalent fence. But only if its R. Otherwise theres no conversation to be had. How do they change so quickly and so drastically? I see it in drivers w/ road rage, parents at school meetings thinking the school is all about their kid and the times should be changed to solely benefit them, work place issues as well. That was until my great, great grandmother was an old and penniless woman. and sets boundaries to behavior firmly, yet with compassion. Some faster than others but its a liberating moment. Thats when the affair ended for good. I guess thats why Im freaking out now. That is something you need to be prepared for. They all have them. I dont know whether he is typical or just de-volving into the worst kind of person. Ive had little to no contact with H with the exception of briefly once a week and managed to do whatever I needed and keep things going with a a lot of help in the form of major outsourcing of a laundry list of tasks. So after d-day I asked why didnt you tell me you were so unhappy? He said I did I said When? He said I TOLD YOU IN A MILLION DIFFERENT WAYS!! How do you choose better the next time?? Pure ugliness ensued. Yes first time I hurried that stuff up and guess what. The long distance aspect for sure adds to the allure. I emphasized that forgiveness is the only way forward regardless but I also said that in practical terms of the M clearly it cant be effective without the cooperation by H. (Exactly as you said) Not so far though. Its been 2 years for me and the grief is still there to a point. I said to her, I am going to the bank! Not his. My situation is just a bit different from most of the commenters here . When I hung on the Cross, you were on my mind. It makes no sense as that is a massive assumption based on no facts, but it tells me he thinks he is entitled to more of the M assets than I am. Amazing. Anyway, off my soapbox. The betrayal of trust. He wont like it. Sucks though. we laughed about the mess and I said I would clean up the mess and we could get ready. Hows your business set up? All the things you said your W said Puzzled, and TFW, are what I just heard. Try to bring a couple of ..remember when.. to the date. But never fall for the Lie. Ive got that anxious crap down pat. She would say things to me just to hurt me. Divorce is one thing. ! Soooo nuts. TFW, your summary is, as always, on point. We are still here for you. And not seeing his kids every day b/c he had to live away from us due to his cheating would have been the worst of it. Many come to their senses before a D. Some, sadly, do not. One of my friends suggested this will pass when his exams are over and I think she is right, but they are just reliving the awful parts of their childhood and trying to do it over again. All You Wanted to Know About Spousal Abandonment Syndrome From https://www.marriage.com/advice/counseling/know-about-spousal-abandonment-syndrome/, Martinez-Lewi, Linda, PhD. He said at the moment I have to try and fight my feelings of fear and try to recallibrate in favor of feeling calm and strong to counter it. I called him on it. Its funny (sad funny) how the CS follows the same downward spiral and we are left watching things go down the drain. From scratch. The CS has to want it otherwise the A continued with the same OW or the CS eventually finds a new OW. I was just expressing a voice for the voiceless betrayed spouses who might not feel safe enough to voice their own opinion. I think it will help. Im learning to live with it. So yes I thought everything was ok. Just normal life stressors. She cheated. The support on this site surely outweighs the foul language. Im really sorry that youre suffering from his selfishness. So you need to make sure you get custody and child support ftom him. I don;t know if I have managed things any better. Now that I am in recovery, I am trying to use this experience to open me and for growth just as you say TH. If she wanted to be in it, then it was her choice to come back to me. Wish you the best and I do believe you reap what you sow. Losing parents is a primal and life altering experience as you have so eloquently if painfully described. I needed to hide under my bed by myself. and are defeated, remember Me, I am with you. I was open to talking to understanding what was going on with him. And no nothing about this is your fault. Or they rationalise it by saying oh there must have been problems in the marriage (*eye roll*) but to them its like any old breakup so I should still just get on with my life etc. Im sure your presence was hugely appreciated by your friend. H does not sound like hes having any epiphanies of what a royal screw up he is and hes surely not going to let you point it out to him. Bottom line: anyone who hasnt done the work on themselves is dangerous to my emotional health and wellbeing, and the only way for me to be safe around them is for me to put the responsibility back on them, by letting them know they need to figure out more creative and productive ways of processing their difficult emotions. Good luck with that. So I think every BS will attest the H becomes someone unrecognizable. I think she knew about his A. Thats why she wasnt being supportive of me early on. And maybe just a tiny compassion, unless of course he totally fucks up then go for the jugular! However, now Im back at home and just finished unpacking. Blameshifting! Im going to try to feel my way into the right direction. Do not plead your case to them anymore. Learned a language But, it will give you more control of your interaction with him. And I think you yourself added that there were two people trying to destroy the M and two people aiming to get what they can out of the business etc namely my H and OW. It saved my sanity and I had it for 2+ years. And will never take responsibility for any of it. Sigh. I wish I could email your post to my H. Makes SO much sense. The other red flag was she was never accountable for anything. JTK The, April 29 Wilbanks' relatives offered a $100,000 reward and planned vigils. Thank you xanax. ! I asked him 3 times to repeat it, kind of freaked out, but he wouldnt say it again. Benzodiazepams. This should be fun, TH-I dont know how much longer I have to live. Silence and silence without any explanation. And she knows this too. 50-50! Like you, I felt the same about leaving the house. a person whose actions RARELY match their words. And we could get ready new business venture during that shit storm Id have said nothing, so I... Heavy!!! up until that time my h was riding the ambivalent. 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